Sticking with my new crush on pokerstars, I played 7 tourneys on their site, and go figure the mxed game mtts ended up being my saving grace. Could not get anything going in the huge NL fields.. but I did final table the $215 razz again, taking 6th place and I made a deep run in their $215 HORSE tourney finishing 9th after I made a donk omaha play on the final table bubble. My own fault...never got it going again after that hand and met my fate in razz... overall I was happy with the way I played with that one exception...unfortunate that the exception cost me another final table and a shot at 8k, but no problem....live, learn, kick yourself, and move on =)
I had my best week I have had in a long time..
with 2 mtt wins, a 2nd place, a 6th and a 9th = $13,000+
But moreso than the bankroll boost and the confidence boost, I cannot describe how relieved I am that I am focused on mtts again. It wasn't too long ago that I was in a dark place. It wasn't too long ago where these were the thoughts racing through my mind:
"I had strayed off course from multi table tournaments where I had found great success...and veered off into the jungles of high stakes cash games...I did not make wise decisions. I did not manage my bankroll properly. Multiple times I blew away hours and hours of hard earned tournament wins, in a blink of a few cash game hands. I had to fall pretty low for it to hit me hard that what I was doing was completely unacceptable..pathetic...unhealthy...
I didnt blog because I felt gross. I felt like an addictive degenerate, spiralling out of control. I was embarassed.. I was angry at myself. I was ashamed.. I wasnt ready to share with the public, the dark actions my mind had fallen victim to...
I had written blogs before on how to control and avoid tilt...how to always play within the boundary your bankroll allowed...yet I still fell into a vicious cycle that my mind had been aware not to fall victim to.
Why? Why could I not control it while it was happening? Why could I not stop it before the damage was shattering?
When I started to play higher stakes cash games, I began to feel a rush....there was an instant reward for winning a hand. The pot was immediately shipped to you after a matter of 1-2 minutes... I could win in a few hands, what it would normally take me hours and days of playing mtts...hoping to catch a final table score...In cash games, the success was immediate..
So I started to climb levels....which obviously introduced stronger players and greater variance.
But I was not properly rolled to sustain the blows of variance these games unleashed. I started to lose....and instead of dropping down... I pushed it... I remember thinking.. no... I can get my money out... I know I can... I am better than them... The cards have to turn... Its just a few pots and I'm out of the hole....
I didnt blog because I felt gross. I felt like an addictive degenerate, spiralling out of control. I was embarassed.. I was angry at myself. I was ashamed.. I wasnt ready to share with the public, the dark actions my mind had fallen victim to...
I had written blogs before on how to control and avoid tilt...how to always play within the boundary your bankroll allowed...yet I still fell into a vicious cycle that my mind had been aware not to fall victim to.
Why? Why could I not control it while it was happening? Why could I not stop it before the damage was shattering?
When I started to play higher stakes cash games, I began to feel a rush....there was an instant reward for winning a hand. The pot was immediately shipped to you after a matter of 1-2 minutes... I could win in a few hands, what it would normally take me hours and days of playing mtts...hoping to catch a final table score...In cash games, the success was immediate..
So I started to climb levels....which obviously introduced stronger players and greater variance.
But I was not properly rolled to sustain the blows of variance these games unleashed. I started to lose....and instead of dropping down... I pushed it... I remember thinking.. no... I can get my money out... I know I can... I am better than them... The cards have to turn... Its just a few pots and I'm out of the hole....
And during these times, I broke all the cardinal rules of poker...I kept playing underrolled..I kept tiering... I was chasing money... I was not realizing that poker is one long session, and while towers may fall in one day, they certainly aren't rebuilt that same day. It's almost as if.. reason and rational were out the window and all that was left was this blood hungry desire to get my money out....negotiating with myself that if I got to even I would never play them again...a promise I broke many times..."
-Excerpt from past blog post
-Excerpt from past blog post
The point is I was in an extremely troubled place...and while my decisions and actions didn't match the composure with which I had carried my first few years of turning pro, I was not far from re-attaining that mental stability.. it all just came down to perspective...and if you think about it, most things in life are..
It is our choice how we view things.. what translations and labels we give things...the voices that play in your heads that drive us towards certain actions.. we are in control of all that.. no one else... we may be influenced by others.. good or bad... constructive or destructive... alcohol or drugs.. but we make those decisions.. no one else...so then who else is there to blame? and more importantly.. who else other than our own intellect and will power do we need to help us change? nobody.
Cause and effect.
My thoughts were the cause...and my actions were the effect.
Our thoughts constantly guide us and direct our actions.. so we must be in tune with them during each session...
Why is it that you are intimidated by the player in the 3 seat, and play differently against him?
Why is it that you called that river bet despite your better judgement?
Why did you tilt off the last $300 in your account at cash games, after building it up from SNGs? Why is that you lost your patience at the final table, after working diligently for all those hours?
What caused you to take these actions?
How often do you stop to recognize your thoughts for what they are in a poker tournament or cash game?
How often do you act differently than what your better judgement is telling you?
And why do you?
What would happen if we only listened to that part of our mind which is healthy, and shut off the voice influencing us to surrender to tilt, defeat, and failure?
Imagine how much money you could have saved if you never played poker when you were on tilt...
Imagine how much better you would play if you would stop viewing yourself as a "loser," "fish,"or a "donkey..."
Imagine how much better your results would be if you folded when you "knew" you were supposed to...
Imagine how much more content you would be if you didnt view each session as being a "winner" or "loser," but rather one long session of trials and errors with the ultimate goal of advancing forward...forever forward...
While we cannot win every tournament we enter, or book a profit at every cash game, we can still always emerge victorius...reality is the perception our mind creates...it is what we make of it...what we allow it to be...
We can seek all the poker advice we want...
We can read every poker thread ever written...
We can sweat all the top pros day in and day out...
But if we do not internally analyze what we read, what we see, or what we hear...
If we do not visit our core...then all the information flowing through this internet highway is useless...
Without this incorporation, there can never be successful execution..
The dark door of my cash game thrill ride has been closed.. it is in the past now...my perspective is renewed and my focus is back. I have found inspiration through many people, things and events to help me change that perspective...and I am unbelievably grateful for that...
So today... be inspired... find it in the subtle corners of your life...and make the changes you know need to be made.. both on and off the felt. xox
1 comments:
Don't take this the wrong way but if you wear the dress in that second picture out playing live poker, you will def PWN obv.
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